Dog Day Afternoon

Wombat hummed quietly to himself. .."mmm...hmmm..mm...hmmm.." He looked at the clock and figured it must be time for the postie to call. Wombat lumbered up to the front door, undid the lock, undid the slide bolt, undid the security door, and walked out into the sunshine... He took a deep breath of fresh air.. He sniffed... took another breathe of air.. and sniffed again.. Something was not quite right. Wombat looked down at his garden. There, lying as calmly as you please, was a big lump of dog excrement! Wombat looked up and down the street... not a dog to be seen. Wombat looked down at his garden again.. The dog poo was still there.. He covered his eyes and stood there shaking his head. "Why?? Why me????"

Muttering quietly through clenched teeth, Wombat dragged himself back into his kitchen, grabbed a plastic bag, and dragged himself back outside to 'deal' with the poo. He deposited the full bag in the rubbish bin and planned his response. Wombat scratched his head, looked up at the ceiling, looked down at the floor and scratched his head again. (It takes awhile for Wombats to plan responses.) "Ah ha!!!" He had it! Wombat lumbered back to the kitchen again and grabbed a big container of pepper. He went back outside and liberally sprinkled pepper where the dog excrement had been. "Let's see you sniff that!!" he said to himself and swaggered back inside - completely forgetting to check the mailbox.

A Bad Day...

Wombat stood at the kitchen window looking out over his backyard. Wombat surveyed the sky and wondered whether it would rain or not. Would it be worth starting some gardening?? He glanced at his reflection in the window. Something was not quite right... He looked again. There, on the fur at the top of his head he saw a slight movement. Wombat grabbed his glasses (he's as blind as a fruit bat without them) and squinted at his reflection again. What he saw horrified him! An ant on his fur, swinging gently with the movement of Wombat's head, was waving at him from his vantage point. Wombat screamed a long girly scream.. "...aaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

He ran around the kitchen swiping wildly at the ant with his paws, scratching himself in the process (wombats have sharp claws). The ant thought it was great fun and wished he had thought to bring his three thousand brothers and sisters with him. Wombat was beside himself. His pathological fear of ants driving him to ram his head into the kitchen cupboards in order to rid himself of the ant. At last the ant was dislodged and crawled away to tell of his adventure.

When Wombat's friends came to collect him to go bowling, they found him curled up in the corner of the kitchen, in the fetal position, sucking a tea towel and murmuring something about ants taking over the world. It had been a bad day.....

Cotton..

Wombat looked down at his raggy underwear.. Hmmm.. looks like wombat needed to do some repair work. He waddled out to the laundry to get a needle and thread. Wombat put on his glasses (because Wombat is as blind as a bat). He placed the needle between his teeth and searched for the end of the cotton. He searched, and searched, and searched... " Aaahhhh!!! Stupid cotton!!!!" Why do they hide the ends??? What is the point!!! Wombat tore at the reel of cotton with his strong fingernails. He bit at it with his strong teeth. Finally the cotton reel gave in and the end fell away from the rest of the cotton. "Hmmph...." grunted Wombat. Wombat = 1, Cotton reel = 0

Cabbage...

Wombat was scrounging for food - as he usually did - when he remembered the only joke he could remember...
A man was walking along the road with a long leash in his hand. At the other end of the leash, tied on securely, was a cabbage. The man walked along, humming quietly to himself, oblivious to the stares he was attracting. Finally another man came up to him and said .."er.. excuse me... why are you taking a cabbage for a walk?" The man looked at his leash, saw the cabbage and slapped himself on the forehead. "Cabbage!!! The guy at the pet store told me it was a Collie!!!!!... (cauliflower)
Aaahhhhhhh hahahahahaha!! Wombat cracks himself up. Then he remembered, no one usually thinks that joke is funny. Funny about that! Oh well..

Ants

...Wombat wonders why ants have it in for him. He's just making a cup of coffee, humming quietly to himself, when he looks down to see an ant waving up at him. Wombat growls, grabs a wiper and sends the ant to ant nirvana. No ant trail to follow... just one ant.

The trouble is there is never usually just one ant. Wombat hates ants. They mock him and they seem to have free range of his house. They never stick together.. it's always one ant.. then another further up the wall.. or a small group in the bathroom (the bathroom for goodness sake.. what could ants possibly want in the bathroom!!!)

Wombat is sure that the ants have meetings to decide how to frustrate him and turn his fur grey. He imagines their meetings. "I know..." one ant will pipe up. (The small one in the back who wants to make a name for himself.) "Lets spread ourselves around the house - check out the kitchen sink, the bathroom floor, the lounge room floor etc. and make sure Wombat never sees where we get in. Then, when he's hopping mad, lets meet in the dishwasher for a group hug!" "Brilliant!" The other ants cry and off they go to carry out their devilish plan.

Wombat opens the dishwasher.... dishes covered in ants. "AAAHHHHHHhhhhh!!!! he screams, races for the dish washing tablets and sends the ants to a watery grave. There are two things he's sure of.. the ants will be back, and soon a guest will complain about a dead ant in their (heavy) crystal glass. Wombat hates ants.